Friday, April 29, 2005
i get so damn irritated when ignorant people look at hide's pictures and say their bloody comments like " yucks who's this pink-haired gay freak. boy or girl". well, a BIG shut up to these people. you don't know who hide is, then keep your mean comments to yourself. i like the way hide is and i'm warning you i get very defensive when the people i admire and love are being insulted. in case you think that hideto is just some freak who loves pink is is a gay sissy WHATEVER, i'm telling you he's not.
I miss hide.
I can't decide whether I'm glad I met him after he died, as opposed to before. Either way would be painful.
I remember, when I was first getting into Japanese music, how my sister said to me, "I can't wait for your hide obsession... I wonder when it'll happen. Because it's inevitable, you know." At the time, I was rather skeptical. I didn't understand how my sister knew that one personality was powerful enough to just envelop everyone it encountered.
Now I know.
I'm not going to lie. The first thing that ever struck me about hide was his big mop of bright pinkish red hair. I mean, how can you NOT notice someone with hair like that? Maybe it gave me some insight into his personality; I'm not really sure. But I found it cool enough to put my first hide picture on my wall, without truly knowing him, because I liked his hair.
The first hide song I listened to with an open mind was 'Pink Spider', the song that is considered by some to be his suicide note to the world. I didn't know the lyrics, all I knew was that it ROCKED. The guitar riff, the melody, the strings at the end... wow. This love affair with a pink spider song eventually led to more mp3s.
Now it was hitting me what an incredible musician this man was. I mean, god. Every song he wrote was memorable. Everything he did was totally and utterly unique. If anyone can find me ONE musical artist that sounds like hide, I'll be truly shocked.
And yet, at the same time, just when you think you have his style pinned down, he'll throw something comepletely random on you. Pure happiness ['Hi-Ho'], pure sadness ['GOOD BYE'], hardcore industrial ['POSE'], beautiful ballads ['FLAME'], strange little pseudo-pop ditties ['LEMONed I Scream'] - even James Bond-esque big band pieces ['Psyence']. And they're all brilliant.
I knew, all this time, that he wasn't alive anymore. Everything about me knew it. Facing his death wasn't really my problem. Facing his LIFE was.
He had always been gone to me. I thought of him as some kind of distant, lost soul who just happened to leave the world with a taste of what music should be. hide wasn't human to me yet; he was a face - an imaginary persona to which I was able to attribute the godlike sounds I was hearing.
I had never seen him move or speak or breathe. Somehow, I had convinced myself that he was never really alive.
He smiled. hide had the most angelic, amazing smile. hide was utterly beautiful and unique looking; I love the way his whole face looked - the huge eyes and everything - but there was something about his smile... it was one of those smiles where you could tell that he was truly happy and not just faking it.
I cried. I hadn't cried in almost a year.
From that moment on, something had changed. I knew that I loved him, not just as some icon but truly loved as a person, and I felt so stupid for not appreciating him before his death.
How can someone so loved by so many just die while people like me live on? It's so hard for me to deal with.
It is so incredibly frustrating for me to mention hide to someone who doesn't know or understand. "Who's hide?"
How can I conceivably answer that question?
Wacky, crazy, fun-loving, outgoing, beer-guzzling, chain-smoking, party-going, fuck-it-all-ing, truthful, painfully honest, disturbing, embracing, adorable, playful, sexy, beautiful, badass, sarcastic, always mocking, in-your-face, shocking, boundary-challenging, anything-goes-and-if-it-doesn't-I'll-MAKE-it-go.
Somehow dissatisfied with existence. Bitter. Lyrically irate.
Things everyone should understand that hide is NOT:
hide is NOT a 'cute little Japanese Kurt Cobain'. Although I dislike Nirvana and Kurt never impacted my life, I never belittle his suicide. hide was his own person and his own musician. Just because he was of a different nationality does not make him a 'Japanese version' of ANYONE.
hide is NOT just 'another jrock guy'. No jrocker is 'just another jrock guy'. So hide was from Japan. He sang in Japanese. So what? He was still an amazing musician who sang his soul to millions of people and made a difference. It's a big deal.
hide's death is NOT a cheap excuse for a joke. No one's death should be.
And yes, it is very possible to love someone without ever meeting them.
hide is the LEMONed master. he is the ever free angel. he is the psychommunity; he is the fuschia FLAME, and a mad pink musical machine.
He is my pink spider.
if the people we love are stolen from us
the way to have them live on
is to never stop loving them.
buildings burn, people die...
but real love is forever.
just did it at 8:01 PM