Monday, February 27, 2006
fuck. ok fuck. this whole fucking life of mine is so screwed up. workshop is on friday. i still cannot play that fucking solo part with fucking confusing bowings. it seems that the more i try the worse i become. i can't even get the notes right anymore. since 6.30 i've been playing and playing and repeating the same old fucking phrase BUT I JUST CAN'T GET IT RIGHT. this is fucking annoying. and now my arm hurts so much because i've bitten ( yes, literally bit off a chunk of flesh ) my arm. i just guess that i'm turning insane any moment. and it's especially annoying when you're already dying of anger and frustration and my bloody fucking sister just sits over there and asks me to stop making so much noise. heard that? noise. not even music. so for 3 hours i have been making a din. i've been making noise and i'm so noisy that my sister has to ask me to quieten down. then if you think that's enough my mum comes in and starts nagging at me about the computer and threatening to bring me to hongkong for good. and fuck i don't care anymore. i'll just stop practising. because it seems like no matter how much i fucking practice, all i produce is NOISE. solid noise. fuck. this is another one of the moments when you feel like dying inside AND outside but you know that no one really bothers because they're all just being annoyed at you for making so much noise and being so pissed.
so the bottom line is. practise makes you WORSE. and it causes you to start producing noise and it turns you crazy and people don't even care. PLUS, it's MY fault for being pissed, get it?
just did it at 9:49 PM